- Online porn, sharing sexual images, suicide sites and self-harm content – how to talk with your children about the most difficult online issues
- Internet Matters ambassador and child psychologist, Dr Linda Papadopoulos offers top tips on approaching these conversations with Safer Internet Day on February 7
- 36% of parents say they feel out of their depth when having conversations about online safety
- While 22% of parents say the issue they find hardest to approach with their kids is online pornography
- Yet 86% of kids say they’re happy to talk to their parents about what they do online and feel a number of benefits as a result
EMBARGOED [Tuesday 7th February 2023]. UK. New research from Internet Matters today reveals the top five online safety issues parents find the most awkward discussing with their children – with online pornography topping the list.
Among parents, online pornography (22%) is the topic both mums and dads find most difficult or awkward to talk about, with mums finding it a more difficult topic than dads (27% of mothers vs 19% fathers).
One in five parents (20%) find sexting a difficult or awkward topic to discuss, followed by online grooming (17%), suicide sites and self-harm content (16%) and sexual abuse from other children online (16%).
Yet, research also shows children welcome and benefit from speaking to their parents about their life online, with 86% of kids saying they’re happy to talk to their parents about what they do and how to stay safe.
After having a conversation with a parent, 85% of children (aged 9-16) felt more confident they know how to stay safe and 76% of kids said it had a positive impact on their online behaviour and experience – showing the important role parents can play.
With this in mind, a third of parents (36%) still feel out of their depth when having conversations about online safety – rising to 41% for dads, 48% for younger parents 18-34, and 49% for parents of vulnerable children.
37% of parents wanted guidance about having the conversation on online activity/safety but didn’t know where to go for help.
It comes as Safer Internet Day approaches on February 7, a day that aims to promote safe, responsible, positive use of technology for children, focusing this year on the importance of listening to children and creating the space for questions and conversations about their online lives.
In response to their findings, Internet Matters worked with experts to create tips to tackle the more awkward subjects parents are experiencing so nothing is off limits.
The tips from child psychologist and Internet Matters ambassador Dr Linda Papadopoulos also help parents encourage their children to apply critical thinking to what they are seeing online, as well as how to speak to them about potential emotionally distressing content they might see.
Dr Linda Papadopoulos’ advice on how to tackle the following most awkward topics:
1. Online pornography
“Parents whose children have seen online pornography tell us the average age they first saw it was 11. So, by the time they’re in Year 6 and 7 (ages 11 and 12) you should start having discussions with them about this issue.
“With this, the best way for a parent to approach building an open environment for discussions around it is actually just tackling it directly.
“Do this by naming it. You can use a prompt – ‘I’ve seen this issue in the news’ or ‘I’ve heard it spoken about in a podcast’. You can ask them if they’ve heard about it in school. Say this is something in popular culture and people are speaking about it.
“Acknowledge what it is and say you understand it might be an awkward subject but it’s so important that we discuss it. Explain why it’s unrealistic and how it can distort their view of the way they look, the way their potential partner should look and what to expect. Not to mention how it’s often violent and degrading to women.
“The more you respect and trust them to talk about it, the more they will mirror those feelings back. And say, otherwise it’s like learning how to drive by watching The Fast and the Furious.”
2. Sexting
“Parents should start discussing sexting with their child in early secondary school (Years 7 and 8) as this is the time they start spending more time alone on their digital devices and the possibility of relationships begins.
“When you talk to them, treat this as a wider issue about how they manage relationships online, deal with peer pressure and how to set healthy boundaries. This makes it easier for parents who feel awkward around saying words like sexting as well.
“Ask your child what they know about this issue. Is it something they hear in school? As always, be neutral and show no judgement.
“Your child may say they don’t know anything which is fine at this stage because at least you’ve started the discussion and it leaves them with a space where they can bring it up again. You should take the opportunity to explain how things like this can impact people’s digital footprint which is worrying – if someone has something that is precious to you then they have the control to do what they want with it.
“Open the discussion, allow them to educate you but have the points you want to make in your back pocket.”
3. Online grooming
“With online grooming, you can start by asking your child what they think the most dangerous thing that can happen to you online is, and what a ‘good friend’ looks like online. This opens conversations around it. Tell them what online grooming is and see what they think.
“Explain how you think this is one of the top dangers online because it can come from someone completely unexpected. Tell your child how someone may approach them – playing a game together or a friend request on social media for example, and how this can become a serious problem because of the emotional manipulation that can come from a groomer pretending to be someone they’re not.
“Ask them questions about how they would spot something like this happening and come up with ideas together. If they’re not sure, try and agree that you’ll talk about it together or have a plan.”
4. Suicide sites and self-harm content
“You can start opening up conversations around this difficult topic by talking to your child about how much time they spend online – then break it down into how much of that time and what activities makes them happy and how much makes them sad.
“Ask them if they’ve come across anything that makes them feel bad about themselves and who they are. It may be hard to bring suicide or self-harm sites into the conversation but start by telling them to be aware of anything online that is telling them they should feel sad. They should be cautious of any website that is talking them through their emotions that isn’t a well-known trusted source. It’s like taking prescriptions from a doctor that isn’t a doctor.
“If you do find out your child is visiting these sites or viewing harmful content then it’s important to help them find a different way of coping with how they feel. There’s a difference between going on your phone to escape and looking for sites when you’re feeling down – this is important to point out. If your child is feeling down then there are other trusted sources of help. It’s important to share this so your child is encouraged to come to you to find that support if they need it.”
5. Online sexual abuse from other children
“The discussion here needs to be about boundaries – online and in real-life. Tell your child, as you would in real life, that if someone asks you to do something online that makes you uncomfortable or rings alarm bells then always pause. You do not have to react right away. Come and speak to a parent or trusted adult about what’s happened.
“A big form of childonchild abuse is using embarrassment to push the victim into doing something they don’t feel comfortable with, so you need to reassure your child and make sure they know you will protect them and listen with no judgement.
“Parents also need to explain that someone may try to make them feel embarrassed or threaten them so they don’t say something, which is their form of control.
“Always finish these conversations saying that you are always there if they want to discuss anything.”
Dr Linda Papadopolous, Internet Matters ambassador and Child Psychologist, said: “Children of all ages depend on their parents for so much. They are their role models for almost everything in early life.
“This is why it is so crucial that parents set an example with internet safety. If we talk to them about what to look out for, things that can turn into dangers and how to deal with them, then they will look to us for guidance and advice in times of need.”
“It’s understandable that some topics are harder than others to discuss and it can be tricky figuring out when it is the right time to approach it. The answer is there’s never a perfect time and the sooner you put it out there, the sooner you get the ball rolling around discussions. You can acknowledge and show you understand some topics might be awkward but make them feel like you’re in it together and explain that it’s important to protect their safety.
“It’s the same as other advice we give them in life.”
Carolyn Bunting, CEO at Internet Matters, said: “It’s always important to have these conversations and set an open door policy at home where children feel like they can always come to a parent or carer for support, but Safer Internet Day gives us a platform to highlight this.
“It’s a brilliant day that reminds us of why internet safety is important so we can learn and adapt to handle the dangers in a way that means children are safe and happy online.
“There are so many benefits to the online world for children but everything comes in measures which is why parents should talk about all aspects of using digital devices, like we do with everything else as they are growing up and doing new things. Parents are able to make a positive difference so that children are better off in the online world.”
Will Gardner, Director of UK Safer Internet Centre says:
“It is great to see Internet Matters so actively supporting Safer Internet Day, alongside thousands of organisations running activities across the UK. This year’s theme is about giving people and young people the platform to speak openly about their ideas, experiences and concerns about their online lives and providing parents, carers, and educators with the necessary tools to facilitate these important conversations. We hope the Day will inspire and equip both children and their parents and carers to have more and better conversations about keeping safe online.”
For more age specific guidance on how to continue the conversation, find support and give your child the tools to stay safe online, visit internetmatters.org
